you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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