Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
