He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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