I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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