I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
