I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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