dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
