forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize