I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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