mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
