At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize