i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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