also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize