Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
