Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
