I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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