The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize