Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
