why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
