whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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