I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
