im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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