Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize