Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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