you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
