I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
