I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
