When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
