dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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