just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
