New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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