Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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