can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
