My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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