Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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