You can't motorboat a personality
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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