It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
