my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
