I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
we're so committed to being not committed
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
