He kissed a someone with a penis
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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