dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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