my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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