i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
