i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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