and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
