does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
