come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
