Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
