Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Couch. On fire.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
