my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
