im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
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