I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
