Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
