I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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