mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
