She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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