someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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