going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
