Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
