She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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