I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm like, not good at living.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
