its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I need to stop coming to work sober
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
