who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
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